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Nebtown Gazelle: Public Service Announcement on Elder Abuse

[Now in Singapore, and with 50% more memes!]

Recently, a new problem has appeared on the homefront. No, it's not another attack of the channers, it's the horrific and violent problem of elder abuse. Now not many Canadians know, but the incidences of elder abuse have shot up by well over nine thousand percent in just the last three years. Which is a very big indicator that either long cat was behind this or something bigger is happening. As we do with all Nebtown articles, we sent a specialist team to observe the problem at its source. On the way, our team which were flying the Singaporean Flag, were flagged down by some Russians. They asked them if there was any elder abuse in their country, and they replied, "In Soviet Russia, elders abuse you!" Our team continued further into the heart of our nation to uncover the truth behind elder abuse. They went all the way to Aperture Science labs, then they relized they had made a wrong turn at Alberquerky, and headed back to Happytimes Retirement Home. There they uncovered a very gruesome reality: all throughout the home they found seniors in utter panic. Some were fighting each other, some were knawing at each others ears, but all had aids. It was horrific that all of them be stricken down before the rest of us, because we all deserve aids. Especially the children. They also discovered that the main cause of elder abuse were the seniors themselves. Or their sons who had to invite them to Christmas dinner to be respectful, but JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT AFTER THE FIFTH TIME OL' PA JUST HAD TO RECITE THE ENTIRE FAMILY HISTORY, and eventually said "Get the fuck out of my house, I don't care if you have Alzeimhers- just go!" Finally they left, and then their sons rejoiced by saying never again. Never again. Or perhaps the kind of elder abuse that steal wallets and things because they're not strong enough to accost young women. Thats the kind of abuser that's in their late forties, but still in pretty good health but not sufficiently to be proclaimed healthy. Those kind of guys, you see them everywhere, usually Best Buy employees or those guys who look at you funny at the airport. Remember kids shop at Future Shop, you won't forget it,

Fuck Look at that badassery, you fucking know you wanna be as old yet badass as him. Fuck yeah

and buy Canadian. If Barack can be nationalist so can we. Our team later found out that Happytimes Retirement Home was affected by the recession, and didn't have enough money for meds. They didn't take their Zoloft. ♥Zoloft. With all this research done the Nebtown team was faced with a tough call, wait it out or find a solution, and go in waffle guns a-blazin'. Like any good action movie, such as the Guardian, [In which Kevin Kostner is fucking Badass], they picked the latter.

The Nebtown team soon came up with a solution to the elder abuse problem. The answer, while shocking, has helped many cases of elder abuse. The Nebtown team is now pushing to roll back the term elder abuse to. "When you see someone attacking or attemping to injure an elder, but like really seriously not just some little jabs and kicks we mean full on he wants that guy to die, and he wants it now, and hes gonna get what he wants, use your 6-shooter." The Nebtown team felt good about themselves feeling that atleast they brought joy to some old people who may not ever even know their own names let alone their grandchildren's.

However if your still feeling fouled about this verdict there may be something you can do!

Pretend you give a shit about Elder Abuse.

In order to help people feel that you are indeed aware of the current elder abuse situation, make sure to:

  • Bring up how bad those citizens must feel every day, andmake sure people understand your sympathy. If not, rinse, repeat.
  • Attend rallies such as Elders for the Eldest or Nebtown's own elder abuse prevention club (meets bi-anually). Which as by now has zero members... SIGN UP NOW!
  • Always carry an elder abuse banner with you where ever you go.
  • Make sure if your swimming always swim like Michael Phelps, andalways swim with an elder abuse swimming cap.
  • Most importantly go by the rulewhen in doubt whip it out. This is a general rule for most problematic cases across all catagories.

However if they continue to question you on your defense for elders when you don't know jack shit, use one of the Nebtown recommended sayings:

  1. I've always been a firm supporter of pro-humanitarian iniatives.
  2. I'm more of a people person, which reflects in my work. [If they ask about your work name a random agency of your choice. Chances are good if they're thatinterested in it they'll probably be too thick to tell if your lying. EX AARP,Co-Op, NASA]
  3. I'm with the band.
  4. Theres only two kinds of important people over fifty in this universe. Chuck Norris, and our lovely elders.
  5. Break out into a song with varied lyrics until they want to change the subject.
  6. Yes we can. Yes we can.

In conclusion, always make sure to end your conversation by talking about how amazing Kevin Kostner was.

In short: more pictures of Kevin Kostner from the Guardian.

Kevin Costner, and Ashton Kutcher but screw him. Kevins on the left.

Kevin resucing the shit out of some oil rig workers.

A less bad-ass Kostner showing his down to earth side. With Badass Parka However.

Back to the Gazelle

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